Dear (Ms.) (Mr.) (Mrs.) (Dr.) (Rev.) (Hon.) ________________
Someone of your acquaintance, ______________, has requested that I communicate concerns to you about your frequent practice of tobacco smoke inhalation, and I am glad to take a little time from My busy schedule to do so, actually very little time, as I have already constructed a form letter for this purpose, am "zapping" it into a human's brain, and arranging for its circulation. The time it takes Me to do this is approximately .000000000000437 nanoseconds. The actual circulation, done by humans, takes a little longer.
_________________ got in touch with Me the other day to make this request explicitly, and I (of course) knew it had been on her mind for some time, that is, how to convey concerns in regard to this matter, of your frequent practice of tobacco smoke inhalation. I was, during this period, subtly sending her suggestions that she utilize My intervention, but, as with most humans, her reception of these suggestions was undermined by a faulty, unconscious belief that responding to them would be an unwarranted imposition on her time and perhaps other resources. After a while, I was able to point out to her that her interests would be better served, in the long run, by listening to Me, and that getting across the same fact, which is true in general, namely, that listening to Me is in one's long run best interests, to you, would more likely succeed. Thus, she became the agent of your reception of this communication.
I would like to point out, on ______________'s behalf, that although forwarding this letter to you puts her in the position of being an Agent of God, please note that this is not the same status as "special agent of God", a phrase in a popular human psychological test, agreement with which lends support to the suspicion that the person so identifying themselves is looney tunes. Well, ______________'s status in this case is, as it were, "Temporary Agent of God", and after she has prepared this message and mailed it, her status will revert to "ordinary human". I point this out in case it has occurred to you, and I know (of course) that it already has, that ______________'s participating in this effort might appear to be indicative of some grandiose delusion or other mental aberration. Let Me assure you that quite the contrary is true. You have My word on it.
You might ask, "What is God getting out of this? What is She/He getting in return for His/Her investment of .000000000000437 nanoseconds of Her/His valuable time?" Well, to answer that sensible question, which I know (of course) you have already asked, first of all, I can't say whether this will work or not. This is, I hasten to assure you, no evidence of any limitation of My abilities, simply the condition of Free Will that applies to all self-actualizing entities, including robots so programmed, meaning that when one decides to do something, their prediction of the consequences becomes new information that can feed back into further deliberations having to do with that decision, implying a potentially infinite, non-converging series of results whose final outcome not even I can tell you-- partly because that would alter your information base, requiring another prediction from Me about your new decision, ad infinitum, and partly owing to the unfortunate fact that, as I was creating the Universe, I sneezed, and lost track of several moments worth of data that I would need as background, in forecasting the outcome of a person's chaotic (in the mathematical sense) and convoluted deliberations. So, as to whether your reception of My communication results in your cessation of tobacco smoke inhalation, I can only say, Good Luck.
Back to the point, what I am getting back from My investment of time on your behalf, I can say with statistical accuracy that, out of a large number of people receiving communications of concern from Me, many of them choose to do My will, not because I have "ordered" it, but because they realize it is in their long run best interest to do so. And what I get out of this, to return to the point again, is prolonging part of My awareness of the Universe, something which is greatly valuable to Me, because the Universe is one of My most interesting hobbies. As you know, "People are the only way the Universe has of looking at itself," a popular expression of the fact that, although I can perceive all reality of space and time at a glance, experiencing the Universe sequentially is something which only sentient observers in that framework can enjoy, and which I can enjoy only vicariously. I am sure you understand that, were I to be having sequential experiences directly, this would mean a limitation on My style, and so, when humans, porpoises, and Leeth-positive viruses (as yet undiscovered) scan around and think about what they are experiencing, it gives Me a thrill. Which is to say, I care about you.
Any limitation on this is distressing to Me, and, as tobacco smoke inhalation endangers any sentient being, I deplore it. So, I say unto you, it is in your long term best interest, and Mine also, for you to abstain from tobacco smoke inhalation (or, actually, any consumption of the nerve poison, nicotine). How can I convince you of this? I needn't try. You know already what the facts are, in regard to the effects of nicotine on the nervous system, and the cardio-vascular system, and the effects of hot smoke particles and radioactive polonium-210 on the bronchial tract, with regard to cancer, emphysema, and so on and so forth. Your utilization of these facts is limited, however, by your denial of their significance (not of their factuality), denial which, being the product of an intense need to re-store missing nicotine, is unconscious, therefore rendering its object, those negative aspects, as invisible as itself (the denial) is (not). Also, perhaps you are afraid that stopping is too damn hard. In fact, that is almost the case. Believe Me, I know. Actually, neither you nor anyone else would be hurt by your abstaining, except perhaps a tobacco company, or a disappointed enabler or co-addict, and they wouldn't be harmed, in the long run. As One might say, the addicted ye will always have with you. Also remember, "I can get by with a little help from my friends." Think about it. Meanwhile, look in the mirror and see if smoke is coming out of your nose.
It is My fervent hope, (Mr.) (Dr.) (Ms.) (Rev.) (Mrs.) (Hon.) _________________, that this brief contact with Me will elevate your self-awareness and spirituality (that is, intra-connectivity) so you can handle your deep feelings (I won't say what they are) about your frequent smoke and nicotine inhalation, and that you will take immediate steps to alter your lifestyle accordingly. As I have said, this would be in your long run best interest. Of course, as you know deep inside, and as I know casually, if you continue to consume smoke and nicotine, there will be no long term, and this, in a way, vitiates My whole point. But, no matter. Long term is better. Good Luck, and thanks for experiencing this for Me.
Sincerely (of course),
P.S. You may decide, "I wouldn't stop smoking even if God Him/Herself wanted me to". But even if you choose to ignore this letter, perhaps you could take a moment to pass it along to someone else who might benefit from it. This would save Me some time. Although this is a form letter, yet it does contain Universal Divine Truth and is not an impersonal vehicle for My concern. For your convenience, two blank copies are enclosed, one for a man to send and one for a woman to send, so the person you send them to, could pass them along still further. Sort of like a chain letter, but the Post Office says this is legal, because money is not involved in the chaining. (My Temporary Agent didn't say Who wanted to know.)
P.P.S. By the way, ______________ wishes Me to inform you that she, also, will be glad if you prolong your life and enhance your health, as this would have a positive influence on her own life. Of course, her enjoyment of this outcome would be small (not to demean it) compared to My own, and, in similar proportion, the benefits to Me would be small when compared to the benefits to you.